Written just before Midnight on Tuesday, April 13th, 1999...
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Mostly right now things are good. Other than me being freaked out about that programming assignment and worried about finding a decent job, life is relatively stable. I should be washing my laundry right now or cleaning the bathroom or kitchen. I could be studying too. Instead I feel like writing. Maybe a little bit of bitching too.
It chafes my hide to no extent when she talks to me like there's nothing wrong with her and me. Throughout the forced conversation I was polite and even listened to a problem or two. She was the one to end the friendship. Apparently I had hurt her in some irreparable way. I did my best to deal with that, to respect her decision, to not lose my cool when she wrote all of those things about me. She's just hurt and confused. She's just going through a rough time and lashing out and I care too much to call her on it. That's what I kept telling myself. That's what I'm still telling myself. But to deny the fact that it really pisses me off when she chats with me like we're just casual acquaintances is just wrong. Maybe I should go to her and tell her how much it bothers me. Then again, she never respected me enough to actually talk to me directly. She pointed out all of my flaws, ego trips, self righteous bullshit, and various other scruples. She even pointed out my annoying habit of justifying myself by putting myself down in hopes that someone, anyone for that matter, would tell me it wasn't so. It's true. I know I do that. Hell, I'm doing it right now. However, it really hurt when she dropped me overnight. The thing was I didn't find out until five days later... on my birthday of all days. Imagine discovering on your birthday that your best friend and confidante of two years hates you, despises you, wants you out of her life, accuses you of a huge list of outrageous crap, and publishes it on her website not ever having the guts or respect to confront you about it before it became a problem. The thing was I did see the things on that list and knew that she had a reason to be upset. I hadn't been around. I was involved in my own stupid little drama. I didn't think to ask her about her day and when she told me about her troubles I had no advice to give. I leaned on her constantly and couldn't be there when she needed someone. I couldn't read her mind either. No... she was a closed book to me these last few months. Yeah, I was really wrong for that. I wasn't the greatest friend and no, I did not deserve her friendship. So I swallowed my pride and did what I thought she'd want me to do. I left her alone. We've argued before and I only made the situation worse by trying to force things out in the open. Over a week went by and I wrote her a very long email telling her I knew how I screwed up and that I understood the friendship was over, but I'd always be there for her. She never answered it. Instead she put up an indirect apology on her site and had someone else deliver me the URL. Yeah, that helped for a while. She even took me off invisible on ICQ. Occasionally she'd message me on stuff she was required to keep me informed of. I made it easier by moving me and my workload elsewhere so she wouldn't be required to talk to me if she didn't want to. Things cooled down over time and occasionally we'd speak about something. She even looked after Loki the last time I left town. Yesterday and today she talked to me about other stuff. She asked my opinion on something. She showed me a debate topic and then continued on with a conversation even updating me about her family. Now I still know she doesn't value me as a friend, never wants to be my close friend again, and thinks nothing of how that makes me feel. Throughout all of this time I had witheld my feelings. After all, she's so mentally and emotionally messed up, why would I want to add another log to that blazing inferno? Well screw that. I'm tired of her self absorbed bullshit. I've seen her self proclamations and I know what crap that is. Yeah... tell the world that you don't have to care or feel, that you can hate and loathe everything. Maybe even convince yourself to believe it. You try so damned hard not to let anyone hurt you, protecting yourself, fortifying those walls of ice with that cold attitude you show the world. But you hurt nightly. It defies reason. It defies logic. So what do you do? You lash out at those who care about you. You hurt your family, your friends, and anyone else who ever tried to care enough to get close to you. After all, if you're hurting, so should they. They're going to disappoint you sooner or later, so why don't you beat them to it? Beat them down and be lonely. Be angry. Be vengeful, spiteful, uncaring, emotionless, stoic, solid like a rock and tell yourself how strong you are because you can keep that fucked up game of pretend going. They deserve it, right? After all, they don't know your pain. Nobody knows your pain. Nobody has been hurt by someone they care about. Only you. Only you have ever fallen deeply, even madly in love with someone who couldn't return it. Only you know what it feels like to have a parent who doesn't care. Only you had to deal with being a confused outsider growing up. They should all suffer. They should all pay. To hell with the world. Too bad you can't find a meaning or a reason, right? If you knew something lay beyond this world, you'd make that trip right away, wouldn't you? Scoff and make fun of anyone who has any form of escapism. Too bad you escape through pointing out the flaws in others... Kinda redundant, you know. That's what I'm doing right now. Maybe you'd agree. Maybe you'd tell me how dead wrong I am. Maybe I'm just one of the masses that wants to force you into conformity. Tell yourself whatever the fuck it takes just so that you don't have to face the fact that I just might be right about something. Maybe I should give up. Maybe next time she tries to start a casual conversation with me, I should tell her where to stick it and that I'd prefer if she'd just put me back onto her invisible list so I didn't have to think about her. Maybe I should just quit my FC job so I didn't have to look at a message board with her name on it. Maybe I should just delete her and put her on invisible and on ignore. That's a lot of maybe's... but you know what? I'm not her. I can't pretend I don't hurt or care or feel. If she were in a bind tomorrow I'd be there. Sure, it wouldn't matter to her. Her pride would most likely get in the way of allowing my help. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of how she tries to convince herself that nothing matters. Maybe she even believes it. I will never believe it. I refuse to. Call me naive, idealistic, or maybe even positive. I know how all of those things are so uncool in the pessimistic, cynical 90's. But I'm not going to lie to myself. I've been screwed over. I've been hurt. However, I refuse to just give up on everyone and everything because of those bad experiences. Call me stupid even, but I won't give up on her. Hell, I myself think I'm stupid, but that's me. I've respected a lot of her decisions, but I'd be lying if I said I respected her attitude. It's not a big deal, though. I know she doesn't respect mine. |